Our Birth...

Our Impending Birth

~ Part 1 ~

The time came to seriously thinking about 'our Labour and Delivery day', a few weeks prior to Sam's birth... The last 2 ultrasounds we had, confirmed that our Sam was in the 'Cephallic' position, (head down)...

Most babies with this type of disease are usually born 'breech', just like our Jack was, meaning that a 'hospital birth' is the only option, but in this rare occurrence, with Samuel in the 'natural' head down position, our Midwives gave us an option which we had not actually thought about at that time...

**A 'Home Birth' could be a possibility**

We were not too sure on this 'home birth' at first, with many thoughts going through our minds, but then, after long talks and discussions about it, it really did seem like a wonderful idea... Being able to give birth in our own home, with just us, our two Midwives and our children there, just seemed so natural... A far cry from the busy hospital where other ladies would be delivering healthy babies, and knowing that we would be losing ours...

We looked at alternative methods of 'pain relief' for the labour itself, as having an 'epidural' or anything stronger is not available for home births, but deep inside, I just 'knew' that the pain relief was not going to cause a problem this time in our delivery... I had agreed to use just the basic 'gas & air' when needed and if required, purely for the reasons that I wanted to be completely 'aware' throughout the entire delivery, and not feel drowsy under the influence of the pain relieving medication, and so our wishes were met, that 'NO pain relieving drugs were to be used' throughout, except the gas & air if required towards the end of the labour if needed...

Throughout the last few weeks of my pregnancy, I felt almost 'calm' in my thoughts, knowing that the decisions had been made regarding 'no pain relief', and as much as I may change my mind throughout the labour itself, and possibly ask for something 'stronger', my Midwives were aware that I was to be given nothing more than the 'gas & air'... This birth of my 4th baby, ~ my second angel son ~ was to be a natural home birth... I knew I could do this with the strength from within...

~ Part 2 ~

On the weekend of the 23/24th February, I had some really strong 'pains', just an odd couple, but I kind of ignored them, thinking they were maybe just the 'Braxton Hicks' contractions, and not the 'real thing'...

On the Monday of 25th February, the pains were still coming, and somewhat stronger... Andrew was not sure whether to go to work or not, but I told him to go and said I would call if things were starting to happen... Andrew called me regularly throughout the day, but things seemed to slow down a bit, and I told him that I thought it was a false alarm...

Later on that evening, the pains came back... Andrews brother Barry called round to say Hi and I remember telling him that I think our baby will be born that night or in the next day or so... I knew I was a week or so early, but I think I just 'knew'!

That evening, I got the children to sleep and we then decided to turn in ourselves for the night... We went upstairs, but the pains were getting worse... I waited for Andrew to fall asleep, and I quietly came back downstairs, on my own, feeling very scared...

I managed about another few hours with the pains, until I knew that I should call my Midwife... Quietly I rang, not wanting to disturb Andrew or the children, and Lisbeth arrived at 4.00am that morning. Said we should first have a look to see if anything was actually happening, incase it was a false alarm...

**Things were happening** ~ I was already 4cm dilated.

I was so scared at that time, actually KNOWING that labour was now happening, and was I really prepared for this!!!! Lisbeth hugged me and gave me words of comfort...

I decided to leave Andrew and the children sleeping upstairs and not to disturb them yet... It was early in the labour still and also early hours of the morning...

The next few hours passed pretty well... Some of the pains were quite intense, but Lisbeth massaged my back, and I walked around trying to work through the pains...

Andrew and the children woke around 7.30am and I think it was quite a shock for them to come downstairs and see Lisbeth here, especially for Andrew, knowing now that things were definitely happening and we were both very, very scared and sad...

By 7.30am, I was 5~6cm dilated...

~ Part 3 ~

At 8.00am our other midwife Julie arrived... It was then that things for the delivery were starting to be bought indoors... There was the 'gas & air', 'weighing scales' and a few other items which would be needed... Andrew took them up to the bedroom, and it was at this stage that Andrew and I really started to feel the stress and worry of our impending birth...

Throughout the rest of the morning, we tried to make it as 'calm and relaxed' as possible for the children... Ben still didn't know what was happening and he just thought that the Midwives, whom he just adores, were round again visiting... The children played, and Lisbeth & Julie occupied them with games, which meant that if I was having some painful contractions, I could just pop upstairs or into the kitchen and 'breathe' my way through them, on my own, without the children seeing me in any discomfort... Knowing I didn't want to worry them, I think was one of the ways that I learned to deal with the contractions and found the strength to get through them, naturally...

At about 9.00am we decided to call Andrews mum and let her know that labour was well established... I also called a very special friend, Cindy who lives in Ohio, U.S.A, and told her that we were half way through our labour, and that we would call again when our baby had been born... Cindy gave me so much strength throughout our brief conversation and I knew that I would get through this labour, knowing that we were in her thoughts...

Cindy had also sent us a gift through the post a few days earlier, and had asked us not to open this certain one until our 'labour day'... We decided to open them when it was closer to the time of delivering our baby...

Andrews mum 'Cynthia' arrived shortly after we called her, and we all sat, having coffee, playing with the children, trying to hide the pain and sadness and sheer anxiety that Andrew and I were both feeling inside...

At exactly midday I was 8cm dilated...

At this stage, I had still not needed any pain relief at all, and found that having a couple of warm baths helped to ease the discomfort of some of the strong contractions...

~ Part 4 ~

By around 12.30pm, the contractions were getting very painful, but I had sort of taught myself how to get through them, naturally... I think I knew in my heart that it was getting close to the delivery of our baby, and at this time, I decided to take one last warm bath, to help ease the pain...

I knew I was fully dilated, I just didn't want to go through with the birth, knowing that I was never to feel my little baby move inside me again...

Andrews mum played with the children downstairs, I needed to know they were content... Sophie was using the Computer and they were happy and occupied... Andrew came to be with me upstairs and the Midwives started to get the bedroom ready for the birth... I got out of the bath around 1.00pm, dried myself and instinctly went to the bedroom, knowing that it was time to deliver...

I had got through the entire labour at this time with no pain relief at all... The Midwives told us that our baby would be born very soon...

There was just one thing left to do... To open Cindy's 'gift and card'... The words she wrote bought us to tears, especially written for us for our labour day... She had also sent a beautiful candle, which we lit and also had a song she had sent through playing in the background. These gifts were by our side, throughout the birth...

Sam's Birth

~ Part 5 ~

At 1.10pm, the contractions were so strong that I decided I needed at this time some 'gas & air'... I so wish I could have delivered our Samuel with no pain relief, but at the 'pushing stage', it was just too intense...

Just 25 minutes later, at 1.35pm ~ Our Special Little Baby Boy, Samuel Jack, was born...

~ Samuel, just a few seconds old ~

...and below, just a few minutes old with Daddy and Me ~

Samuel cried as soon as he arrived, and within just a few seconds, Andrew was cuddling him and I heard them both crying... The Midwives stood by, but left Andrew and myself to have all the precious time that our Samuel could give us, to be together...

Within a couple of minutes, I was cuddling Samuel to my chest, and hearing his cries, I asked whether he was going to be ok? 'Did the specialists get it wrong'? 'He was crying'?! 'he sounded so healthy', 'he looked so healthy', but devastatingly, our Midwives knew that our time together on earth was not going to be for long...

A few minutes later, Andrews mum, Sophie and Ben came upstairs and gave Samuel lots of cuddles... Ben by this time was quite bemused as to where on earth this little baby had come from!!

Hearing Samuels cries getting softer, Andrews mum took the children back downstairs and Andrew and I held Samuel in our arms, the tears and emotions just too much to bear... Nearing 2.00pm, I knew Samuel was leaving us... His cries were faint, his breathing was very quiet... I held him in my arms, not ever wanting to let him go, and we tried to tell him it was 'ok' for him to 'gain his wings' now, but with all our hearts, we just wanted him to stay...

Our Vicar 'Chris Newlands' was called, and he came within minutes and did a wonderful blessing for our little Samuel... His prayers and thoughts were of great comfort to us... It was at this time that I then heard the cries from our Midwives... Our room was filled with tears, and all our hearts were broken ~ again...

**As I was holding Samuel in my arms, just before 2.05pm, this 'amazingly bright light' came shining through our bedroom window, and onto our Samuel** It was so bright, it actually hurt our eyes...

It was at this time, exactly as this 'light' appeared, that Our Precious baby Samuel ~ 'became an angel'...

'Sam' left for heaven in my arms, so peaceful and so quiet...

The Photograph below as Sam was 'leaving Earth for Heaven' at just 30 minutes of age :(

*In this photograph, the 'light' that came though our window, has actually been caught in the picture on my hand*

The 'Miracle' that we had all been silently Praying for ~ had not happened... Our new precious little baby son and also a brother, nephew and grandson, had left earth for heaven to be with his angel brother Jack... Something that as parents, we will never, ever understand, 'WHY'...

*We had a couple of names in mind for our new arrival to be, but it was actually only at this time that we really decided on 'Sam'...

For those who may know of the film, 'GHOST', with 'Patrick Swayze', the main character was called 'Sam'... In the film, when *Sam knew that it was time to leave 'Earth for Heaven', this 'light' appeared and Sam was called to 'walk towards it...

We just knew that with what we had just experienced, 'but in reality', the name 'Sam' had such strong meaning...

After Sam's Birth!

A short time later, our Midwife Julie gave Samuel a bath, and we had his 'hand & footprints' taken... We dressed him in a beautiful, white, Winnie the Pooh sleeper with matching hat and little blue booties...

Sophie placed Samuel's little Gold Teddy Bangle so carefully on his wrist and his little gold cross & chain was laid so carefully with him... We stayed in our bedroom and just held him in our arms...

Lisbeth & Julie made sure that everything that needed to be done for us, was done, and when we felt 'settled' they said their 'goodbyes'... It was so hard to see them leave... They were so sad too, we felt their pain also... They had given us everything they could as 'Midwives and as friends'... They had delivered our sweet Samuel into the world and had also been there when he 'left'...

They had made our 'home delivery' into something very special... Although we knew that our Samuel was not going to be with us for long, with their experience and knowledge, they made every second of our labour and birth, something which will be locked in our memories, for ever...

That Evening!

Later on in the evening, we laid Sam in his Moses Basket and took him downstairs where we all sat together in the lounge... Andrews sister Jackie arrived, and we all spent time together...

Sophie & Ben were absolutely marvelous throughout everything... Ben couldn't help but keep 'kissing' Sam all the time, and Sophie was just so brave...

The evening came and the children went to sleep... It was now time for Andrew and I to reflect on the 'birth and devastating loss' of our new little baby boy...

...then a strange thing happened!

**About 11.00pm that same night, I went upstairs to go and spend some time, just sitting with our angel Samuel... I sat by his little Moses Basket, and just 'cried'... I gave him a cuddle and told him so many things that I needed to say...

I laid him back down a short while later, and tried to get up to go back downstairs... The strange thing was, 'I couldn't move'... I had this tremendous pain in my chest, and felt like I could not breathe! I could not call Andrew for help as I could not speak!!

Finally, I managed to crawl to the stairs and get down them, where Andrew heard me and asked me what was wrong? I tried to explain, but I was in so much pain, it was impossible...

Andrew called the Doctor and he came immediately... He did some checks and thought that maybe I had a 'clot on my lung'??? An ambulance was called and I was taken straight to 'resuss' at Colchester general Hospital... They did some tests, (ECG's, heart monitoring, blood tests, x~rays and many other routine exams), to see if they could find out what was wrong!!

Suddenly, the pain left?!?! I had no more pain... It had gone as quick as it had came! I cried for the hospital to let me go home... It was only that afternoon that I had given birth to my sweet angel, and I needed to be with him at home... I had to stay for a few hours for monitoring, but in the early hours of that morning, I was discharged...

The Hospital had no idea what was wrong, and neither had we! I was just glad to go home...

It was the following morning when our Midwives came, and we told them about having to go to the Hospital in the night etc, and what had happened... I remember them both looking at me, as though they 'knew' what had happened? Julie went to her car, and bought us in a booklet... It was called...

'CARING' ~ For you when your baby dies'

This booklet had been written by a lady, Caroline Jay, (a mother whose baby died), along with 'Jenni Thomas', ~ The Founder Director of The Child Bereavement Trust... This booklet was to help you through this time of tragedy and shock!

There was a special section called:~ 'Emotional Effects'... There were just 3 'physical effects' that were listed, and each had their own meaning:~ This is what we read...

'PAIN IN THE CHEST'! ~ "Heartache"... A physical pain in the heart, feels like you're having a heart attack!

**There was our answer... 'Heartache'... There was nothing 'Medically wrong' with me! Just the 'true pain of 'Heartache' from 'losing' our baby... It was real... It hurt... It was a pain I will never forget!