'OUR STORY OF SAMUEL'

Here is our story of Our Most Precious Little Angel Samuel!

It all started in June last year...  Andrew and I decided to have that one last chance again at trying for another little baby...  I knew my Birthday was coming up, and I thought how wonderful it would be to find out that we were pregnant on my Birthday, and what a surprise this would be for Andrew...

Well, the morning of my Birthday came, and so did the 'results' of the Pregnancy test...

**We were to be parents again**

I didn't tell Andrew until later that evening...  We were going out for a drive, and Andrews mum was going to look after Sophie & Ben for us, and we were going to spend some time down at the exact spot, on the little island of Mersea, where we once held our angel Jack in our arms and watched the boats sail past...

We arrived at 'Our Special Place', left the car, and stood where we last held our Jack, emotions running high...  I had the 'test' results on me, and asked Andrew to take this out of my pocket...

He wondered at first what was going on, then he reached in, and as soon as he knew what it was, we both just cried...  We walked along the beach, crying so hard, holding each other and hardly really dare believing that we were carrying another little life inside of me...

It was so special telling Andrew at 'Our Jack's' special place, I couldn't think of a more 'perfect place', 'or time', for this to happen...

After we left the beach, we drove home, wondering who we should tell at such an early stage of this pregnancy, but the delight was too much, and when we walked indoors, Andrew looked at his mum and said... 

"when we left, we were 'two', we came back as three"...

Cynthia was just so pleased...  She hugged us and was so overjoyed...

'What a Birthday Present'!

'Our Diagnosis'!

We had an early scan at 8 weeks, due to a 'bleed', but when we saw our little baby on the scanner, moving around and a little heart beating, our minds were put at rest that our baby was 'still with us'...  Another scan at 12 weeks still showed that our baby was doing fine...

We anxiously awaited our 19 week scan, and on October 3rd 2001 it arrived!  Sophie & Ben still did not know we were pregnant again, we wanted to keep it as a surprise after we had the scan...  During the scanning, I instantly knew 'something' was wrong...

Our Specialist looked at us and just said how sorry he was, but it looked just as though our new little baby had exactly the same kidney disease as our Jack had!  I remember not wanting to believe what he had just told us...  I ran from the 'scanning room' in tears, before anything else could be said, and just cried...  Andrew and I could just not quite believe what we had been told!

 They made us an appointment to see the Top Professor in the Country in 2 days time!

We left the hospital in tears, numb and in absloute shock of what they had just told us...  The news we had waited so many months to tell Sophie & Ben, was not to be... We decided to say 'nothing' at this time...

2 days later we were in London...  Our Professor Kypros Nikolaides did our scan, then slowly took my hand and said how very sorry he was, but it WAS a recurrence of the same disorder, ARPKD...  The same disease that took our Precious little Jack away from us...

We left London, numb and confused...  WHY US ~ 'AGAIN'...

'Decisions'!

Over the next few weeks, we decided it was time to tell family and friends...  This was just so hard!  Everyone kept telling us that maybe the 'diagnosis' was wrong, 'a miracle could still happen' etc, and trying to give us hope, but we had already been there 'once before', we knew there was no hope, no miracles...  

'ARPKD' is 'not compatible with life'...  

(but deep inside, we still had hope)!

We knew that even The top Professor in the Country could not help our baby, so we made the decision to stay with our own hospital here in Colchester, follow our routine scans with our Specialists here and carry our baby to full~term, cherishing every scan photo, every movement and every day with our unborn little baby...

Samuel wriggled and kicked so very much throughout the entire pregnancy...  It was just like there was nothing wrong...  With ARPKD, there is no 'amniotic fluid' at all, but this just didn't stop our little Samuel from moving around, day and night...  It was so wonderful to feel his moves...

We had our 2 original midwives from our Jack's pregnancy, 'Lisbeth & Julie', and they took sole charge of us, throughout...  They were 'there' for us, to talk to, ask questions and just generally help us through this difficult time...

We had so many decisions to make, exactly the same as what we had to with our Jack,  and our midwives helped us to make them...  We decided that at the birth there was to be 'no active resuscitation', unless our baby showed good signs at birth, as any intervention would just cause distress and discomfort to our baby, and that was something we could not do...

We had to allow our baby to decide when it was 'time' to leave Earth for Heaven', and it would not be fair if we intervened...  It is so difficult making these decisions, even when you know they are 'for the best'...

'Funeral Arrangements'!

We had to make 'Funeral Arrangements' and so many other things, it was heartbreaking...  I called Our Funeral Director, 'John',  a family friend who also did our Jack's Funeral Service and he couldn't quite believe it when I told him that once again, we were going to lose our next precious little baby at the birth...

We had asked John that we wanted to do things very similar to the way we had arranged our Jack's Funeral Service...  We wished for the Funeral Service to go ahead with our Samuel in his Moses Basket, and it would not be until after the service that Andrew and I would then go to the Chapel where we would then lay our Samuel in his casket for the second part of the service at the Crematorium...

We wished to carry our Samuel ourselves everywhere on the day and we also wished that Sam was to be in our arms in the same car to the Church Service...  We just could not be separated from him once...  Not on this day when we knew that we would never see him again, until we all met in Heaven...

John told us that whatever we wanted to do on Samuel's Day, then we 'could do'!

We also spoke about Samuels Casket...  Such a hard thing to do, but knowing we had to do it, we found the strength...  We knew that we 'could not' have the same 'type of casket' that we had for our little Jack, (Jack had one with little teddies painted on it), so we had asked John to have one 'especially handmade' for us, in pure white with white silk lining and pillows...

John told us shortly after that the casket was 'ready' and we could have a look at it to make sure it was as 'we wanted'!

We had asked for it to be in 'plain white' as Andrew and I had thought about maybe having an artist draw some 'angels and roses' on it for us, making it 'just how we wanted for our precious little baby'...  I spent days going through phone books trying to find a local artist but to no avail...  I then thought that maybe I could do something 'myself', if I could find the strength to do this!!!!

We went the following morning to have a look at Samuels casket.  Andrew stayed outside with the children and I went to a quiet little room, feeling strong, and waited for them to bring the little casket up...  It was wrapped in a beautiful, white, silk sheet, he placed it down and removed the lining...  Oh, I thought I was so strong, but I wasn't...  I just cried and cried...  It was all becoming just too real for me at this stage!  I asked the guy to wrap it back up, I could not look at it anymore...  It was too painful...

I went back out to Andrew, crying so hard into his shoulders...  Andrew asked me if it was ok, and was it as we had arranged for it to be made!  I just looked in his eyes, and told him briefly...  'It was beautiful'...  Pure white with a beautiful silk lining, padded little pillows full of frills and little silver handles...  The only thing that was wrong with it, was that it for our beautiful little baby, and that was 'WRONG'...

We agreed to still bring it home, and I was determined to find the strength to 'personalise and decorate' our little babies last resting place...  We had the casket placed in our car, and we drove home...  We stopped off at a local shop where they had some beautiful 'rose transfers', but when we got there, they had all sold!  I could find no artist in the area to help with a  design and was at this time starting to think that maybe 'someone' was trying to 'tell us something'...

Andrew could not look at Samuels Casket for a long time, and I was worrying about asking him to help bring it indoors, I so didn't want to upset him anymore than what he already was...  We both went out to the car, late in the evening and had another look...  We could just not find the strength to bring it indoors...

Andrew and I spoke about it that night and the next day, and both decided that maybe we should 'leave it' as it was originally made...  It did look so very 'pure' and 'angelic' in just the white, and so made a decision for it to stay as it was...

  We decided though to have something on the top of Samuel's casket and so bought a beautiful little 'Soft Teddy Bear', which held a pretty little 'red velvet box' in his 'paws' and we put a photograph of our precious angel Jack inside, (our Samuel's Precious angel brother) and also 12 red roses made into a posy...

On the night before our Samuels Funeral Day, we took the 'Casket', 'untouched' back to our Funeral Director John...

'buying baby items'

A few months before our Samuel was born, we went out and bought his Moses Basket...  We decided to start buying the baby items we needed quite early in the pregnancy, just incase our angel was born earlier than expected...

It was so hard choosing a Moses Basket, but we found one that we liked after a couple of trips to the shops...  It was the buying of the 'baby clothes' that we found near on impossible to do...  So many times we went looking for items and came away empty handed...  Members of staff in stores asked us if we wanted any help, that just made things twice as difficult having to explain that the little clothes we wanted had to be so special as our baby was going to be leaving for heaven...

We found finally found some clothes we just adored, all in the Winnie~the~Pooh range, (as Winnie was our favourite with our Jack too), and through the tears, we purchased them and left...  It was so hard having to go to the well known, 'baby shops' where there were so many 'mums', 'dads' and 'mums ~to~be', all buying their baby essentials, and there was 'us', only being able to purchase 2 sets of clothes and 'nothing else'...  Seeing all the little clothes, gifts, cots etc was just heartbreaking...  It was so hard making yourself 'stay away' from buying all these things that we just 'knew' we wouldn't have the chance to use...

Over the next few weeks, leading up to our Samuel's Birth, we bought little gifts and any little extras that we saw when we were out shopping...

The next most hardest part of all was purchasing the little 'trinket box' that our 'Samuel's ashes' would be resting in...  I tried on one weekend to go into some shops myself to try and find something, and shop after shop just had 'nothing'...  I then found a little Jewelers and I thought I had found something 'suitable'...  I purchased it and thought that this very hard thing to do, was over...  We took it to our Funeral Director John the following day, but he shook his head and said that it wasn't 'right'...  We had to go and try again...

I could not face going through this again, my strength was weakening and so Andrew said that he would go alone, and find something 'special' and 'suitable'...  I know how much this hurt him, I had had the same 'pain' the day before, but he came home from the shops with a beautiful 'Silver trinket box'...  It was engraved with 'Teddy Bears' and had the children's poem, 'Walkie round the Garden' engraved around the top'...  It really was beautiful...

Finally, our last, heartbreaking part of our arrangements had been completed!

'our last thoughts'

Throughout the remaining part of my pregnancy, we treasured each and every move that our Samuel made...  I remember it being on our Angel Jack's Memorial Ist Birthday back in the November, and during our Church Remembrance Service, Samuel kicking so very hard...  It was like he was telling me, 'he was with us on our Jack's Special Day'...  and that I will remember always...

I remember never wanting my pregnancy to ever end...  just like we never wanted it to end with Our Jack...  I wanted to feel my Samuel inside me forever, I wanted to feel my Jack inside me forever, I never wanted to stop feeling their moves...  If I could of carried my 'angels' forever, 'I WOULD OF DONE'...

We had also still decided not to actually tell Our Ben that I was pregnant this time, even right up to the end...  Ben just thought that mummy was getting a bit 'big', and he was fine with this...  We just wanted to protect him as much as we could...  He was only just over 3 and so young...  Sophie we told later on in the pregnancy...  Andrew told her that our baby was 'poorly' again, and that he/she would probably be going to Heaven to live with their brother Jack...  Sophie was obviously very upset, but again, amazingly brave...

We now just had to wait for our baby to decide  when he/she was going to come into the world...

Our due date was for March 2nd 2002...  A date that seemed so far away, but now we know, was just too close...

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